Larry's Off His Meds. …Again

A Better Plan for Holiday Get-togethers November 18, 2010

Follow along with me.  Here are some facts.

1)     We are all sick of the NekkidScanners and the TSA.
2)     It’s expensive to fly.
3)     It’s degrading to fly.
4)     If you are alone, no one likes to fly alone.
5)     If you have kids, no one likes to fly with kids.
6)     If you are just a couple, you have better things you could be doing than being strapped into a seat created for a 12-year-old for hours (even if the idea of being strapped to anything normally turns you on).

OK, those are the existing conditions of winging your way across the friendly skies.

Let us examine some other real world facts.

1)     Who really likes going home for the holiday?
2)     Even if you miss you’re mum, there’s at least one creepy relative you’d lose a body part before talking to them.
3)     No one loves staying with relatives.
4)     No one loves relatives staying with them.
5)     It’s still not Christmas yet.
6)     People would rather have money than gifts.
7)     Even if you plan to buy a gift, you can either have it mailed directly to your intended target or have UPS or FedEx do the heavy lifting for you.
8 )     Netbooks are cheap.
9)     Netbooks have web cams.
10) Most people have internet and if they don’t, they really need to get into this century.

So, given all of these facts about the trouble, expense, and down right degradation one must endure by flying, I propose that if you are not within driving distance…

Don’t go. 

Yep, that’s right, don’t go.  Just call mummy and daddy and tell them you won’t be there, but you will be seeing them.  Send them a netbook with a web cam for Christmas (surely cheaper than the cost of tickets) and have a web party.  Invite local family and friends (probably the people you’d rather spend your holiday with anyway — if not, you wouldn’t have moved a thousand miles away from your dysfunctional family in the first place) and have your remote users do the same.  Share your parties over the web. 

Mail your presents or gift cards with special notes telling them how much you love them.  Send hand written letters remembering special times you’ve shared. 

Ok, what if they don’t have internet?  Not a problem.  Most places have no contract unlimited cell service and usb aircards.  Get them a line for a month and then let it lapse.   It’s still cheaper than a set of tickets for you and the younguns.  But more importantly, what is your dignity worth?  What is the wasted time worth? 

And this idea helps the economy.  Most online and big box stores sell netbooks, so that money that would be wasted in the airline sector goes immediately into the retail sector.  Sure it’s zero sum, but consumer confidence is really measured by retail so the numbers will look good and make the average Joe feel good.

Bonus is that we get to poke .gov in the eye.  When the airlines lose money, they will start yelling at lawmakers, “Remember that donation I was going to give you, EVER again?”  Once that happens, no matter how much the well-connected are making off the PornoScopes, they won’t match coin that the airlines have to throw around. 

I know it’s going to be hard to convince the folks that this is a good idea.  They so want to see you and make your life a living hell welcome home all the offspring.  But it takes bold moves in hard times to fight tyranny.  Men have lost their lives in this noble pursuit, the least you can do is forgo Aunt Fran’s fruit cake this year.  Who knows, she may FedEx you your own personal sized loaf. 🙂